Photo: Daniel Ahlgren - www.pwrracingteam.com
Straight from the heart, no cuts, no censoring.
I posted 2 posts last year, something very unusual from my side.
Earlier I posted before every race, and after every race.
Updating my feelings before the weekend, giving a statement after it.
That´s one thing that was missing last year, as many other things that I didn´t do, or honestly more: Didn´t have the time, joy and therefor motivation for.
I´ve always been a girl with loads of energy, a motivation over 100 % if I started some sort of project, and a girl with a constant smile on my face.
The last time, that energy hasn´t been there, and I´ve been lacking that smile.
To make a very long story short, I lost my ground, my basics, my joy for what I did.
As soon as I felt tired or sad, I just kept on going.
I never stopped to think about “why am I tired, why am I sad?”
Like a train with no stop I just kept on going, until one day, I couldn´t.
It´s easy to believe that people have the perfect life. Beautiful pictures, cool videos etc. But I can assure you, life isn´t always perfect. Not even close.
I want to share my story for you to understand why I´ve been acting like I have, and who knows, maybe I can help someone els by sharing my story.
So yes, I kept on going like I said, until one day I couldn´t.
I remember it very clearly, wanting to go into a small shopping mall in the town I come from.
I stepped inside, walked 100 meters. Then I called my mum and said “I can´t do this, I´m coming home.”
I just couldn´t walk there, with the possibility to face people, and having to talk to them. Tell them how I felt, explaining my situation.
I remember sitting in my car, crying so much that I barely couldn´t speak, because I´d planned so many things for one weekend that it was impossible for me to handle them all.
I felt like I was supposed to climb Mount Everest in flip flops.
I remember being asked by my mental coach Lennart Augustsson “Mikaela, what is more important than you? Than you being OK?”.
At that moment I could count 1000 of things being more important. What I didn´t realize then was, that if I´m not okay, my work won´t be. And most certainly, my racing won´t be.
I´ve always had the state of mind that “I can handle this myself. I can go through this myself.”
My last years in racing escalated very quickly, in terms of series, sponsors/cooperation partners, media, events, etc etc.
And I, me Mikaela as a person and Mikaela as a company/brand, didn´t really follow in the same speed. I simply didn´t create and managed to build up a strategy that could follow that development.
So I began, honestly without notice, to stop doing things.
I stopped updating here. I stopped having time to update my sponsors, handing them information and keeping our relationship as good as before.
I stopped having time for myself, for my friends, for my family.
I simply lost myself, and my energy.
Many other things also happened along the way, and I assume that´s often the case.
You simply come into a “bad circle” and realize it too late.
There are some persons that made my life harder, but more important there were and still are persons that helped me along the way, supporting me, and believing in me.
These people know who they are. Their uplifting words when I was at the bottom. Their hands on my shoulder telling me “you can do this”.
Thank you to them. Thank you for the love you gave me. Without that I´m pretty sure this website would´ve been closed down by now, meaning: I´d have stopped with this.
I´d have stopped with racing.
When I was at the bottom, my mission was to find my way back. To find my joy, find my power.
Going back and create a structure that works, and remembering that there is nothing more important, than for myself, yourself, to be OK.
I´ve been longing to get that smile back, to enjoy what I do. To look forward again, without feeling fear, to a race weekend.
It´s taken it´s time to get to where I am today. Being able to admit how I felt, what has happened along the way, and why. Why it happened.
Like I said, it has taken it´s time. And it´s still a process, an ongoing work.
To not make the same mistakes again.
In Swedish you say “gör om, gör rätt.” It means, “do it again, and make it right”.
Once again, thank you to the people still supporting me, believing in me, trusting in my power.
For me the race at Anderstorp was important, to show myself that I still have it in me.
The words from my team boss then is something I´ll keep with me, “There she is. The Mikaela as we know her”.
I´m smiling again now. I´m looking forward to sit in a car again, in the close future, and I truly hope it will be so!